LOL PLAYERS FORCED INTO HIDING, SUICIDE BY TRIBUNAL

SANTA MONICA, CA. – The League of Legends community on Friday exploded in protest after 22-year old Jake Hymen committed suicide over a dispute on the popular online pseudo-strategy game. Claiming that Jake’s suicide was “completely unacceptable” and a “direct consequence of the game’s distorted reward system”, players organized a candlelight vigil to be held outside the game’s headquarters in Santa Monica, CA.

Jake’s mother confirmed her son’s suicide. “He had become really withdrawn ever since I bought him that ‘puter for Christmas” she lamented “He stopped going to work, refused to help with the housework, lost contact with his friends and just stayed home to play World of Legends.” she added, with tears in her eyes. “At the dinner table he’d go on and on about “fucking BRs” and refused to eat if he had lost a few games. When he did eat, he would break into hysterics, screaming “GG NOOBS” at the top of his voice. I just wish I had noticed something was wrong before it was too late.”

In an exclusive interview with Jake’s in-game friend, Xx420killahxX, TerminusCity discovered the root cause of Jake’s suicide:

<TC> Hi, so you were Jake’s League of Legends friend?

<Xx420killahxX> whos jake

<TC> LordDarius182

<Xx420killahxX> oh ya i know him

<TC> can you tell us what he’s been like?

<Xx420killahxX> well he wasnt on yesterday which is really odd

<Xx420killahxX> but hes been acting very paranoid lately

<TC> go on

<Xx420killahxX> ok a few days ago the 2 of us were playing this game

<Xx420killahxX> things were going ok but we had this fucken (sic) BR (sic) feeding fgt (sic) teemo on our team who was like 0/8 by 5 mins

<Xx420killahxX> anyway lorddarius got really angry at him and called him a feeding asshole and told him to uninstall

<Xx420killahxX> but it turns out the teemo understood english and the other 2 people on our team were his friends

<Xx420killahxX> so at the end of the game teemo got his friends and even the enemy team to report ld

<Xx420killahxX> ever since that he’s been really paranoid about getting b&

<Xx420killahxX> fuck i hope he hasnt been b&

<TC> when you say b&, do you mean banned by the Tribunal?

<Xx420killahxX> …

<Xx420killahxX> dont say that word

<TC> what word? Tribunal?

*** Xx420killahxX has disconnected

It’s not just Jake and 420killah. League players all over the world have gone into hiding to escape persecution by the Tribunal. “There’s no use running” said one such player to TerminusCity, on the condition of anonymity. “It comes for us all”.

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